Dear Billy Crudup

Please be in more movies. Why aren't you already? 

You've had so many amazing roles a wide variety of movies, like Prince Ashitaka in the Princess Mononoke overdub, as the guitarist with mystique from Almost Famous, as the (Spoiler Alert) double agent in Mission Impossible, or even your cameo as Henry Allen in the ferociously terrible, Justice League. And who could forget your most iconic role as Dr Manahattan in Watchmen, waving your big blue dangly bits about. God, I hope that there was some CGI enlargement happening there, or I hold grave fears for the health & safety of your sexual partners. 

There are so many great roles that you have done and could potentially do, WHY AREN'T YOU DOING THEM?

You lend a bucket load of credibility that is sorely missing in some of your co-actors. I refer to my earlier highlights reel of your acting credits for direct evidence of your efforts. TBF you are acting up against some real blocks of wood so it's not entirely surprising that you would shine. Although even in the absolute space dumpster fire (assuming there are dumpsters in space) of the latest Aliens franchise movies, you held your own against the serious talents of Michael Fenderbass, and Baby Ripley (aka Katherine Waterston). **side note** How on earth they managed to completely cock up movie with such a strong cast and source material is beyond me. 

I've heard the stories that say you are notoriously selective about your acting roles, rigorous in your preparations and dedicated to the best possible outcome. But let’s be honest, if you were willing to appear on the Tony Danza Show, I'm not entirely sure you're that selective. Maybe it's time to pad out the resume. 

How about some more villainous roles as the new James Bond bad guy, go full maniacal madman? Or some psychological thrillers as a next generation Hannibal Lector, or get yourself attached to one of the Star Wars spin off movies. Basically what I'm saying here is that Mads Mikkelsen is stealing all of your roles and you need to be taking that back. You are the American Mads. It's time you started acting like him.

Or, and I'm just spitballin' a suggestion here, have you ever seen the movie "Single White Female"? Watch that, hang out with Mads for a bit and, ya know, see what happens. 








Dear Movie Trailers


You're spoiling everything! It's come to the point where I have to sit through the start of every movie screening with my eyes shut and my ears blocked so that I don't ruin future movie events for myself. Specifically, I'm looking at you, trailers for 'Spider-Man: Homecoming' and the atrocious 'Justice League'. When you show me all of the key points of a movie before I'm actually in the cinema, why on earth would I spend $25+ to watch the full length version of you? In the case of both of the mentioned movies, 90% of the good (and I use that term audaciously) parts were contained in your 3 min run time on the youtubes. Including all of JL's so called "jokes". All I'm saying to you is, tease us or show us the whole thing. 

There are exceptions to your rules. Something like the first Black Panther trailer works great, because it is a chaotically beautiful collection of images which make me want to know more. Tell me people don't want to know more about that Crazy Mask Guy (or Girl #feminism)? There's so much unexplained in that imagery that I'm anxious to learn about. 

Tease me. Bring me in. Slowly.... Slowly.... Not too fast, you don't want me to spend my wad before I get to the theatre. I mean, that's never happened to me before, but I hear it's a problem for some guys.

You have the potential to be amazing. The Blair Witch Project, The Matrix, or Inception show me what you can achieve when you set your mind to it. They mess with an appropriate amount of my brain cavity without ruining the whole purpose for the movie.

Long story short, is a phrase whose origins are complicated and rambling, so I'll be brief. I'm off you. For good. Going cold, delicious, turkey on you. It's going to be tough, but there is no other way. I can no longer handle the emotional roller coaster you put me on. 





Frustrated Box Ticking Trailer Watchers

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Dear Netflix

The answer to your problems is staring you right in the face. 

Let's take out all of the things we need to say about Kevin Spacey. They've been said by everyone already, and this post won't add anything new to that conversation. And given the news that Season 6 is on it's way, it's time to talk about what to do with the Underwoods. I, like many of your loyal (read: media sponge) subscribers, love our House of Cards. And it is ours now, that's what happens when you make something popular, we take the ownership of it until one of the stars does something that we don't like, then we drop it like piece of gluten free cake at Christmas. That's a privilege that only $9.95 per month can give you. 

For my fractions worth of ownership, I say that the answer is within you. Just look inside your library of varying quality and you will see the truth. You currently produce a show, which by many markers is starting to tail off, and could seriously do with a shot of credibility that an almost perfect show like HoC can bring. Why not take the concept of the almost, but definitely not quite, good "Designated Survivor" and do a white house reboot on the HoC cast? 

We don't even have to do a complete reboot on the cast, just maybe take out the Underwoods. Because as much as I love Claire, I doubt she'll have much appeal without Frank. They are truly awful people and one can't dis-function without the other. Whatever they are separately, at least they have a twisted version of moral honesty with each other. Take that away and there is nothing holding them back. Therefore, as the worthy monthly subscriber that I am, I declare, THE UNDERWOODS MUST DIE!!!

At the same time, you can give Kiefer, and those super lazy writers from Designated Survivor, ye olde heave ho! You're only into your second season and already you're making several references to 9/11, as if your shows premise (a gigantic terrorist explosion) wasn't already big enough. It's like you forgot what your own show was about so that you could make your own, low budget, low IQ, version of "The West Wing".  And Kiefer, he's struggled since episode 1. I love the Keif, but I love the first-5-seasons-of-24 version of that guy. He needs to find something more his own speed. Old MacGyver or something. I dunno, I don't have all the answers for you. 

So Dear Netflix, friend, please let's take this glorious opportunity presented to us, "Claire" the deck and start again. 

Yours Sincerely

Opinionated Fans of Things They Don't Actually Own


Dear Suits

What are you?

No, I'm for serious. What the heck are you? I have just completed a sleep deprived binge of your first 6 seasons and I'm still not entirely sure. I must admit that I watched you at an extremely vulnerable time of my life. I was in-between shows, there were few movies out that were grabbing my attention and I was in need of a filler in my life. You were that filler. And now, having completed watching you (absolutely realising that there is a season 7, but realistically 6 was already too much) I feel regret. The kind of regret that one feels after eating an entire wheel of cheese at home alone on a sunny day when they should've been outside. I know there are better shows out there, I even shamefully justified watching you to real life people.

You are the springtime TV girlfriend that I knew I never should have gotten involved with, but I did because I was lonely.

The thing that bothers me the most about you, probably most notable because of the binge watch, is your story loops. You seem to be caught in a format that you captured early on in season 1 and were never able to escape from. I call it the Louis Litt Loop, and it goes a little something like this. 

  1. Louis is a dick to someone. He says something hurtful to try and get his way. 
  2. Harvey calls out Louis for being a dick and points out that his actions have had unintended consequences.
  3. Louis realises he broke things, becomes remorseful, and enlists Donna to fix it
  4. Either Donna, Harvey, or (surprisingly, but never humbly) Mike fixes the problem.
  5. Louis comes to Harvey or Jessica's office, grovelling and generally being pathetic and stating "This firm is his home".
  6. Harvey and Jessica smugly accept the apology and suggest that they "need to get back to business"

Lather, Rinse, Repeat. 

You’ll stick with format for most of your episodes, occasionally dipping your toe in the pool of alternative ideas, but never jumping in. There are no lessons learned, it's like you hit the reset button at the end of filming and do it all over again the next day. You started so well. You had a great premise, promising development, sexy people doing sexy/intelligent law work, and you threw it all away with mindless repetition. Just mindless repetition.

Word to the wise, DEVELOP YOUR CHARACTERS, between Man-Child-Mike and Haven’t-Changed-Harvey, your two leads constantly went nowhere fast. And now that Gina Torres (Jessica) and Meaghan Markle (Rachel) have left, your personality will exist only within whatever effort that Sarah Rafferty (Donna) and Rick Hoffman (Louis) can muster between them. As fun as they might be, they will not be enough to carry you on their own. Unfortunately future HRH Markle is not just “going out to get milk” and you will have to find something, or someone, else worth hanging your hat on if you desire to do more than bland us to death with mindless repetition.

Look… It’s been “fun” while we’ve had you. Maybe now it’s time to think about putting some of your tired cast out to pasture.  

            Yours sincerely,

            Long Suffering Series Watchers          

P.S. Whomever is writing you might want to consider more Mike/Harvey movie quote banter. That’s fun and shows that your characters are more than just rich, intelligent, clothes horses. Making them…. You know…. Relatable. Just some food for thought.


Dear American Assassin

                Where the fuck do you get off?

You took the time and effort to go out and buy some fairly decent source material and you managed to completely butcher it like one of your terribly choreographed fights scenes or the high-school-computer-class-mid-term-project CGI you bathed in. I am just thankful that you were under 2 hours long, or else I am afraid I might have groaned myself to death.   

The single biggest problem you have, outside of your ESL level of dialogue, is the logical leaps you make in the first 10 mins of your bloated run time. You try selling the audience on a 20 something, hipster douchebag (I didn’t bother remembering his name because I wanted to forget about him every second he wasn’t on the screen) turning his life around in tragic(ally poorly acted) circumstances to become an Insta-Jason-Bourne. Your premise is bad, and you should feel bad. If I have to hear one more time that the main actor guy is “testing through the roof”, I might literally stab someone. Just tell us that he's Jack Ryan and we’ll buy it, but your offensive crowbar of a setup was more brutal then a bunch of tourists being gunned down on a beach.  

While we’re at it, stop trying to make Dylan O’Brien happen…. He’s not going to happen. I’m not sure what kind of privileged acting rock he crawled out from under, but if someone from the production could kindly return him back to where they found him, that’d be great.  

To the Director, and I use that term loosely, you clearly have some uncomfortable feelings about violence against women and people of other cultures, which take up entirely too much of this dumpster fire's plot. This appears to be the biggest thing you’ve done in your limited career, and if I were you, I would enjoy this high while it lasts. I’d suggest it’s all downhill from here.

There is much, MUCH more that bothers me, but I want to be brief so that I don’t use up all the ink in my Microsoft Word.

  • To Michael Keaton, I’m not sure how much money you got paid for this movie, but I hope it brought you a nice holiday home somewhere. It certainly isn’t buying you any credibility; see your hammed up “torture” scene, which was poor imitation of a low budget Lethal Weapon rip off.
  • To Taylor Kitsch you need to get yourself a new agent. You are a much better actor than your roles have made you. Taylor, seek help.
  • To Scott Adkins, I love your martial arts work. Keep it up. They underutilised your talents in this film and that’s their fault, don’t let them drag you down with them.

American Assassin, I should’ve known better than to think you’d be fun, thrilling or believable. I’m so glad that I managed to borrow a copy instead of paying real Earth money to fund your future shenanigans. You actually make me want to watch The Sum Of All Fears, because I feel like I could use a more coherent story with a plausible lead. To clarify, I won’t be watching that pile of Affleck either, although I will strongly consider it in lieu of ever associating myself with the likes of you again.

                Yours sincerely,

                Aggrieved Action-Film Fans Everywhere

P.S. Hollywood, please stop using CGI bullet wounds. They look terrible. Quit trying to put the Squibs industry out of business!