Dear Movie Trailers

STAHHHP!!!!

You're spoiling everything! It's come to the point where I have to sit through the start of every movie screening with my eyes shut and my ears blocked so that I don't ruin future movie events for myself. Specifically, I'm looking at you, trailers for 'Spider-Man: Homecoming' and the atrocious 'Justice League'. When you show me all of the key points of a movie before I'm actually in the cinema, why on earth would I spend $25+ to watch the full length version of you? In the case of both of the mentioned movies, 90% of the good (and I use that term audaciously) parts were contained in your 3 min run time on the youtubes. Including all of JL's so called "jokes". All I'm saying to you is, tease us or show us the whole thing. 

There are exceptions to your rules. Something like the first Black Panther trailer works great, because it is a chaotically beautiful collection of images which make me want to know more. Tell me people don't want to know more about that Crazy Mask Guy (or Girl #feminism)? There's so much unexplained in that imagery that I'm anxious to learn about. 

Tease me. Bring me in. Slowly.... Slowly.... Not too fast, you don't want me to spend my wad before I get to the theatre. I mean, that's never happened to me before, but I hear it's a problem for some guys.

You have the potential to be amazing. The Blair Witch Project, The Matrix, or Inception show me what you can achieve when you set your mind to it. They mess with an appropriate amount of my brain cavity without ruining the whole purpose for the movie.

Long story short, is a phrase whose origins are complicated and rambling, so I'll be brief. I'm off you. For good. Going cold, delicious, turkey on you. It's going to be tough, but there is no other way. I can no longer handle the emotional roller coaster you put me on. 

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW BAD IT GETS!

YOU ARE TOO MUCH FOR ME!!

I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU!!!

Sincerely,

Frustrated Box Ticking Trailer Watchers

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