Dear American Assassin

                Where the fuck do you get off?

You took the time and effort to go out and buy some fairly decent source material and you managed to completely butcher it like one of your terribly choreographed fights scenes or the high-school-computer-class-mid-term-project CGI you bathed in. I am just thankful that you were under 2 hours long, or else I am afraid I might have groaned myself to death.   

The single biggest problem you have, outside of your ESL level of dialogue, is the logical leaps you make in the first 10 mins of your bloated run time. You try selling the audience on a 20 something, hipster douchebag (I didn’t bother remembering his name because I wanted to forget about him every second he wasn’t on the screen) turning his life around in tragic(ally poorly acted) circumstances to become an Insta-Jason-Bourne. Your premise is bad, and you should feel bad. If I have to hear one more time that the main actor guy is “testing through the roof”, I might literally stab someone. Just tell us that he's Jack Ryan and we’ll buy it, but your offensive crowbar of a setup was more brutal then a bunch of tourists being gunned down on a beach.  

While we’re at it, stop trying to make Dylan O’Brien happen…. He’s not going to happen. I’m not sure what kind of privileged acting rock he crawled out from under, but if someone from the production could kindly return him back to where they found him, that’d be great.  

To the Director, and I use that term loosely, you clearly have some uncomfortable feelings about violence against women and people of other cultures, which take up entirely too much of this dumpster fire's plot. This appears to be the biggest thing you’ve done in your limited career, and if I were you, I would enjoy this high while it lasts. I’d suggest it’s all downhill from here.

There is much, MUCH more that bothers me, but I want to be brief so that I don’t use up all the ink in my Microsoft Word.

  • To Michael Keaton, I’m not sure how much money you got paid for this movie, but I hope it brought you a nice holiday home somewhere. It certainly isn’t buying you any credibility; see your hammed up “torture” scene, which was poor imitation of a low budget Lethal Weapon rip off.
  • To Taylor Kitsch you need to get yourself a new agent. You are a much better actor than your roles have made you. Taylor, seek help.
  • To Scott Adkins, I love your martial arts work. Keep it up. They underutilised your talents in this film and that’s their fault, don’t let them drag you down with them.

American Assassin, I should’ve known better than to think you’d be fun, thrilling or believable. I’m so glad that I managed to borrow a copy instead of paying real Earth money to fund your future shenanigans. You actually make me want to watch The Sum Of All Fears, because I feel like I could use a more coherent story with a plausible lead. To clarify, I won’t be watching that pile of Affleck either, although I will strongly consider it in lieu of ever associating myself with the likes of you again.

                Yours sincerely,

                Aggrieved Action-Film Fans Everywhere

P.S. Hollywood, please stop using CGI bullet wounds. They look terrible. Quit trying to put the Squibs industry out of business!

GROAN!!!